you’ll be fine
I just want to take it all nice and easy. Really simple. I just want no complications in my life for a while, nothing holding me up or down or anywhere at all.
I’m learning to cook but I don’t even like buying too many long-term ingredients. A bottle of spices or the bigger, more economical, block of butter. It’s silly really. I just like the idea that I could pick up tomorrow if I wanted to, even though I know I won’t. It reminds me of S, his stories about how he ended up floating from place to place. He really is living like a feather in the wind. I like the idea of living without planning. S lured me to his apartment (it didn’t take much luring) with the promise of dinner, and then the haphazardness of what we did and didn’t find in the fridge just made me smile. I don’t know why. No strings, I guess. It has a certain charm, perhaps, because that’s how we met. Just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl.
The easiness of it just makes me think: Chill. Breathe. I felt really peaceful with him. It’s the perfect antidote to the system in which I was raised, and I think he was too. I think we’re on the same page, responding in our own ways to the same things. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m projecting. I also like that we didn’t hash all this out.
It’s nothing to do with being responsible or irresponsible, or immature, or insouciant. There are things, and there are times, when you don’t need to plan. And you’ll be fine. It’s like the moment when you think you’re going to slip down under the surface but then you realize you can tread water. Sometimes you don’t plan, you just live.